My husband, my detractor

Written by Alli Price

Whilst in conversation with a mum the other day she told me that her husband wasn’t supportive of her interest in coaching or NLP because he thought it was airy fairy.  It took me straight back.  To the many conversations and situations dotted throughout my relationship with my ex where I found myself in exactly the same position.  ‘Coaching was hippie’ish’ ’I shouldn’t expect any money to put into a business’ It’s great you’ve achieved this but what’s it worth?’

I can’t recall a time when I felt truly understood or supported by my ex and the reason was that he was Mr Practical and I was Mrs Passionate.  He believed that you worked to provide for your family and that if you enjoyed it, then that was a bonus.  I believed, and still do, that you only get one life and you should try to do what you truly love and makes you happy.

This is a fab way to live life if you are single but what happens when worlds collide?  Who backs down?  Who gets to make the decisions?  Where is the compromise?  Because my partner was so traditional he assumed because he made the money (I was working part-time in a pub and looking after our daughter) he was in charge of spending it; and it wasn’t on my business.  Arguments were futile as he was only interested in business plans and forecasts, as if these were the only indicators of business success.

So, how did we work things out?  Well, I wish I could sum this blog up with a neat little tip on how to deal with a conflict like this but in the end, for he and I, there was only separation.  Our views on business and life were just too different.  I would much rather live on a modest income and pursue those things in life that make me truly happy, trusting my gut and not just the facts and figures.  And to this day I’m still running my business and I love, love, love it!

Also in this series: Leaving the Country with Daughter, but not Dad

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10 Responses to My husband, my detractor

  1. T-J Hughes says:

    Hubby often finds it really hard to understand where I’m taking the business. I’ve had little support, but when the going gets really tough, he does deep down support me.
    We have a good working relationship with the sharing the childcare, although I do the bulk weekdays.
    He’s been delighted by my nomination for a recent award, which i think has really helped him see I’m on the right track!
    Not easy, but for me, worth sticking at the relationship as well as the business.

  2. Wow! Thanks so much for your stories ladies – it’s amazing to hear your experiences and I’m sure they’ll help other mums out there having similar difficulties.

    And love you too Sara x

  3. SaraS says:

    sarasharp, our husbands sound very similar and I loved reading your experience. And I also make jewellery as an outlet for my creative spirit. My husband was very unsupportive at the start, bashed the name, said I was taking too long, should be out there selling instead of making and fine tuning, all sorts of things. I do believe also that it is possible to find support from other places and I have done this (I have a wonderful Mum!) It’s hard to watch someone so cold and analytical about it all, stompping over something that comes from the heart. But one day the tables may be reversed. My husband was made redundant 3 years ago and he found out very quickly that running your own business and making money is not the easy thing it looks when you have full-time job with a good salary. I don’t wish this for you. But I hope one day you may find he understands you better. I know my husband does these days and is very complementary about what I do now. And your husband must have many other positive qualities, or we wouldn’t have put up with such treatment! And I even think there’s a bit of jealousy. They want to be allowed to try something new. My husband got the chance and found it wasn’t all he’d dreamt of. All the best with your business.

  4. sarasharp says:

    And Ali, without your support and coaching, I would never have got so far. Love you

  5. sarasharp says:

    A very wise man once told me that if I couldn’t get support from my husband, to seek it elsewhere — friends, family, books….It’s incredibly tough and often soul destroying to live under the same roof with two different dogmas on life and work. But it’s not impossible with the right tools. And it starts with you. Cry, grieve that you can’t get support from that one person you so wanted it from, but do so only for a short while. Dry the tears, pat yourself on the back, smile (life is great – just notice the flowers) and just keep going. My husband only notices facts, balance sheets, logical conclusions, crushing me at times/often when I don’t meet his expectations. He understands money and when I don’t make it, I am useless, selfish and taking away from family time. But I know, in my heart, with every “conflict of interest” I am getting stronger, better, and more focused on what is important to me in life. I came within a whisker of dying having my second son, and after years of fretting and trying to change his view, I now accept that only I can change — I have changed and learned to accept that my perception of life will never coincide with his. Making jewellery frees my soul and recharges my spirit. I know that when I conjure up that just right necklace of a lifetime for my clients, embedding their unique stories into it, and seeing their pleasure and delight, I am doing something so right. It may not be the clink of gold in my pocket, but it’s the clink of gold in my soul that can’t be quantified. After all, what is a body without a soul??? I know my comment may not have helped, but one thing you have to know: You are NOT alone. So here’s a big hug from me. Now get up and do what you love.

  6. Kate says:

    Ali I love your honesty, it shines a light for all of us that have a partner and kids and juggle with values and time for each other. Thank you.

  7. Some great comments ladies – and some good feedback to help others when they’re feeling stuck! Thanks so much for your thoughts x

  8. It’s so hard when your attitudes around work and money don’t match. I think you just have to try to work as a team, accept your differences and accept that everyone brings something valuable to the family (and that may not always be financial). Much easier said than done, of course!

  9. rachel says:

    I had a colleague in a similar situation, it’s very hard. She ended up giving up a career she loved and had worked for throughout her teens and adult life to save her relationship. I supported my husband when he left his permanent employment to set up his freelance company, at the time I was working the equivalent of 4 days a week and looking after our kids outside of that. Eventually he went back to a full time job with one of the companies he was constantly freelancing for. This meant that when i wanted to set up my business, Time2Shine Productions, he was really supportive of me in reciprocation, and thankfully still is.

  10. Melissa says:

    Good for you Ali in following your dreams